Random thoughts

Tonight I am coaching my first client. Of course it is pro bono and a friend. I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm feeling better than I was during my last post. I have more self confidence. I know that i will get more with practice. I wasn't up to doing anything today, because I don't feel great. My joint pain is worse, and I'm trying to lay low. I weighed myself this morning, and gained 2 more pounds. I feel so cheated. I am petrified of ballooning up again, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.. I realized today, that the endocrinologist lowered my thyroid medication. I wonder if there is a common denominator here. Once again, no one believes me that it is my thyroid. This is not a coincidence.

I'm trying to find the good in this. I can't. My confidence in myself has eroded. I have no control over my own body. Unbelievable. I don't know what else to do. I'll have to call the doctor, and hope that he really listens to me, as we are taught in ICA. I don't think he understands the problem. I don't understand the problem. All I know was that I was feeling better while on the higher dose. Lowering my prednisone to 2 1/2 should not make such a drastic difference. If anything, I should be losing the weight, that I put on, when I started with the prednison.

I am trying to incoporate, the lessons of doubt vs. trust into my life. I am trying to be more trusting, believing that everything will work out. Hard to believe this situation will. I know I should try to shift my perspective. I can't. I could commit to it, as in the module of comittment vs. trying. I don't think in this case there is anything I can tell myself. I did discuss it with my own Life Coach. Couldn't come to any conclusions either. She tried of course, to "help" me figure out different ways to overcome the weight gain. I already worked hard on it. I don't think there is any UAC's that I am not aware of. Maybe I'm not aware of any. Maybe, they do exist, and that is what is keeping me back. I am so tired of fighting this never winning battle. I know I have to have compassion for myself. I hate thinking that the medical world will blame me. I'm not working out enough, I'm eating too much. I am honest with myself, and keep track of everything. I am doing everything I can, and it's still not working. This is not in my control, as it is, if my body was behaving. Maybe I will try to take an AC class. Nothing there.